Recalculating.

She drives me nuts. I mean REALLY NUTS. Her voice is like nails down a chalkboard for me.

When I first brought her home for Patrick, it was for our 10 year anniversary and we were heading to Connecticut so the kids from Vernon United Methodist could go see Rock the Sound. He needed her because I'm not always around, and since I'm usually the one directing our existence, someone else telling him where to go in my absence seemed like a good idea to me at the time. He named her "Tammie 2", and at first I was honored. What a sweet thing to do!

However, not only did I not realize how jealous I was going to be over her, but I just didn't know how much her existence was going to bother me. He fondly started calling her by his new nickname for her, "T2", and he took her everywhere. Fine. I could have dealt with the fact that she was going along with us for the ride, but she was just so annoying, talking "trash" all the time, getting bitchy when someone made a misstep.

It got to the point that I actually tried to change her personality. I made her male and Australian. Well, that didn't work. It was like Crocodile Dundee had suddenly joined our marriage.

Ok, let's go British. That was even worse. It was one step higher than listening to Ozzy telling us what was up ahead. Patrick made me change the accent back to American and I thought maybe I had gotten away with adding another male to our life, but it wasn't long until he glared at me and told me he wasn't comfortable with a man telling him where to go.

FINE! Back to her. Ugh.

I hate her. Well, I don't hate her, let's just say it's a strong dislike!


But I digress.

I don't know where my navigating skills came from. It's uncanny, if I do say so myself, how I can find my way in places I've never been, without using any form of navigating device besides the sun. But I do it. And I'm good at it. And he has always been in awe of my ability to get us there and home without using much planning at all. But here was this woman again, telling my husband where to go!

And of all things - she was giving him directions that didn't match mine! And he was following hers!

Um, hello?

Oh no he didn't. (Oh, yes he did!)

I had to resist the urge of throwing her out of the car. I mean, really, she was there to help him come home to me. She was designed to get him to where he needed to go. But how dare she take my place. I was furious. And her voice, it seemed to taunt me, to egg me on and remind me that he trusted her capabilities more than he trusted mine. I couldn't take it anymore. I banned her from our relationship for quite a long time.

It wasn't until we were living in Ohio and he was driving to Cleveland where she became a major force in his life again. He would touch her in just the right spot and turn her on first thing in the morning. She'd spring to life and begin seducing him with her "powers" before they were even out of Boardman. Soon, he was locked into every word she said, following her commands as if they were Bible passages. He needed her. She was there for him. He depended on her and she...

Well, one day she was wrong. Oh, yes. She was wrong. (Finally!) She took him 30 minutes out of his way. The first time he had made that trip, he had followed her word for word and did what she said. The second time, though, he had an idea to drop off the highway and take another road he had seen that ended in the same spot he had gone to before. Lo and behold, he landed 30 minutes sooner than she had predicted he would if he went the way she was leading him.

He couldn't wait to tell me. He called and I dutifully answered, his voice somewhere between despair and disbelief as he recounted how she had led him astray. On my end of the handset, all I could do was smile, as I had been hoping this day would come.

Ha! Had I finally won? Would he finally see me again for my ability to steer him in the right direction? Would this be the end of his fling with T2?

If only.

The next day, I placed a phone call to him and when he answered, I heard her voice. She was back. She was in the car with him and she was once again telling him the path his life should take. I was mortified. How could he when he knew she had led him so wrong?

I asked him about it, interrogating him on his need of her services. I was upset. I was jealous. I was devastated by his betrayal. I didn't know what to do.

But, like the smooth talker he is, he assured me she was only there to keep him focused (granted, he does like to drift when he's driving). He said her gentle reminders kept his mind on the road and he needed that to get to where he was going.

I decided to accept her in his life and I backed off, knowing I'd once again have my day.

I'm waiting. Patiently waiting. So far she's only popped in on our travels a few times since being down here and it's usually when I'm admittedly having troubles (headaches seem to be my kryptonite and they disable my internal navigational device.) But one of these days, one of these days - it's going to come to a showdown.

Tammie and Tammie 2 are going to go head-to-head in an all-out battle to win the love and respect of my husband and when we do...she's going down.

That's right, do you hear me, T2?!? You're going down...

And why is that? Because I'm not only calculating, but I'm...


RECALCULATING!